Dreamventions

Sunday, October 5 2008, 10:29am Portland, OR

I had a dream last night that I was lunching with Bill Gates.  I asked him where he met his wife (because in dreams, I'm a stunning conversationalist) and he told me they met on a dating website he created called Dangling Dates.com.  Now that I'm awake I've searched for it and found nothing, so he was probably lying, but check this out:  The idea behind DanglingDates was that potential partners need to "dangle" something in front of you to motivate you to call, something better than just lies about their weight.  What they needed, he thought, was financial encouragement.

Included in every profile on DanglingDates.com was a dollar amount, corresponding to how much money the two of you would be able to borrow if you got married, based on your combined credit scores.  Will the two of you be able to buy a house or will you be stuck renting for the rest of your life?  And the best part of his sales pitch was it worked.  He does have a very nice house.  Both of them chose wisely.  And that comforts me while I sleep.

-AF

Musings on Terrorism

Monday, September 29 2008, 3:00pm Davis, CA

How Come This Has Never Happened? 

Suicide bomber walks into terrorist meeting and blows himself up.  Huh?  Never happened, as far as I can tell.  And I'm shocked.  Doesn't seem like they're the kind of people you can trust.

Buddhist Suicide Bombers Would be the Worst.

They'd just keep reincarnating and then blowing themselves up.  The problem, though, is I just don't know enough about Buddhism.  Do you always come back as a human?  And if you came back as a frog, would you bomb groups of frogs?  Perhaps for Buddhists, life is like Halo and you have to wait longer to reincarnate if you kill yourself.  That might be a good reason not to.

And Lastly, A Couple of Puns

If you fail terrorist terrorism training, do people tell you you've bombed?

185 suicide bombers walk into a bar and the bar tender says, "I'm sorry.  We don't serve suicide bombers here."  And the suicide bombers say "I guess we'll go next door and tie one on."

Pit Bulls v. Sarah Palin

Tuesday, September 9 2008, 10:55am Portland, OR

UPDATED: I'm going to move some of the best comment-submissions into the original post at the bottom.

Last Wednesday, Governor Sarah Palin offended every pit bull in the world by comparing herself to them.  While I have to beef with hockey moms per se, I hate bad jokes.  To respond, I've called together a crack team of writers (including Ezra Fox and Megan Niermeyer, although if you're offended by anything here it was probably mine) to rewrite the Governor's joke into something more accurate and less trite.  Enjoy.

What's the difference between a pit bull and Governor Sarah Palin?
If you cut a pit bull, liberals would be sad.

What's the difference between a pit bull and Governor Sarah Palin?
Pit bulls don't lie about their love of pork.

What's the difference between a pit bull and Governor Sarah Palin?
Not all pit bulls are bitches.

What's the difference between a pit bull and Governor Sarah Palin?
Pit bulls have been found outside the United States more than once.

What's the difference between a pit bull and Governor Sarah Palin?
Sarah Palin kills wild animals every chance she gets.  Well, so do pit bulls but they usually don't get many chances.

What's the difference between a pit bull and Governor Sarah Palin?
The pit bull was McCain's first choice for VP.

What's the difference between a dog and Governor Sarah Palin?
John McCain doesn't keep his dogs on such a tight leash.

---------> Promoted from comments:

What's the difference between a Pit Bull and Governor Sarah Palin?
Two weeks ago we all knew what a Pit Bull was.
     -Natalie Knott

What's the difference between a Pit Bull and Governor Sarah Palin?
A Pit Bull's load of shit exits out of its behind.
     -Natalie Knott

What's the difference between a Pit Bull and Governor Sarah Palin?
Pit bulls' thoughts on the Bridge to Nowhere are very consistent.
     -Sarah

Half Brothers

Monday, September 1 2008, 10:11pm Portland, OR

Editor's note: A version of this story originally appeared in a 2004 issue of The Journal Nature by a different author and using completely different words.

  Jack Jordan and I have a lot in common.  We're both college educated, have two sisters, like Loony Tunes, and laugh at inappropriate times.  The main thing that seperates me from Jack Jordan is I never stalked Uma Thurman.

    In Jack's defense, he didn't think he was stalking Ms. Thurman.  Oh, no.  He thought they were soul mates.  They would live happily ever after, if only her entourage would let them be together.  He was rebuffed, not by the actress herself, but by house keepers and body guards, and what do they know of love?

    I am not so taken with Uma Thurman, or any celebrity for that matter.  I played it cool when Woody Allen sat behind me at the theatre.  I ignored Alfonso Ribeiro (of the two stars of "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air," the one that isn't still famous) at the airport.  And when I saw Johnny Whitney at the Whole Foods near my apartment, I never thought of approaching him.

    Actually, I wasn't sure it was him.  The sassier of the two singers from the Blood Brothers was ahead of me in line buying a large bottle of water and some juice and talking on the phone to his wife about going "container shopping" later in the week.  No rock star would go container shopping.  It can't be him.  But that hair and that t-shirt. And look how tight his jeans are. And isn't his new band from this area?  He probably lives near here.  But there's no way to be sure.  Unless he pays with a credit card. That would have his name on it. And he is!  Lean in.  Not too close.  He can feel you breathing.  Back off.  Damn.  Couldn't see anything.  Oh well, he's gone now.  It probably wasn't him anyway.

    I paid for my items and walked out of the store, congratulating myself on not being one of those fan-boys.  A fan-boy would have wanted to shake his hand or talk to him.  Get him to sign a receipt or something.  Not me.  I am too cool for that.  And besides, I didn't like his band that much.  My self-congratulations faded into a brief non-sexual fantasy where Johnny Whitney starts a conversation with me and I maintain full composure.

    "Did you know I was the lead singer in the Blood Brothers?"

    "Oh?  I didn't recognize you.  I saw you in Seattle with Against Me!.  Weren't they great?"

    "Totally.  I love them.  Hey, you don't spend all your time sitting around your apartment looking at Facebook do you?  Because I love Facebook."

    "As a matter of fact I do!"

    We talked about how that last album wasn't very good and about how great it was living in down town Portland and it turned out we had a lot in common!  The only thing left for him to do was ask me to hang out some time.

    "We live in the same neighborhood.  Do you want to come by and watch my new band practice?  We're going to tour with The Faint.  Do you want to meet them?  Maybe you could come on tour with us.  We'll pay all your expenses and all you have to do is hang out and your friends would think you were so cool because you were on tour with me.  Haven't you always wanted to play drums?  Because I need a terrible drummer and you look like you might be a prodigy."

    By now I had followed him six blocks and (more incriminatingly) three turns.  Far enough back that he wouldn't notice, to be sure, but enough out of my way that I would have been embarrassed if somebody saw me.  I was going to... towards... back to... what have I become?!?

    Jack Jordan sent Uma creepy notes with pictures of the two of them standing on razor blades next to an empty grave because he thought it his layers of meaning would endear himself to her.  He ended up being convicted of one count of second-degree aggravated harassment.  I scoffed at him at the time (not the least of which because I thought "Kill Bill" sucked), but when presented with a figure that I had only a passing interest in, I almost immediately got sucked into a haze of stardom.

    Back in my apartment, I vowed to keep my stalking confined to the safety of the Internet.  Which reminds me, another person I went to high school with is pregnant!  Can you believe it?

Alex Falcone lives and works in Portland Oregon.  He is friends with Uma Thurman on Facebook.

The Form Letter

Tuesday, August 12 2008, 9:17am Portland, OR

For somewhat complicated reasons I am on e-mail lists for every political party in the country. Surprisingly, the GOP sends me the most mail. Every e-mail has an identical form: the party header at the top, a letter listing the reason they want more money with a right-aligned donate button. More buttons at the bottom.

The most recent letter was my favorite so far. It was about the recent shenanigans in congress where the republicans make speeches in the dark. Remember that? The Democrats adjourned and the Republicans refused to? Apparently they need $25, $50, $100, $500, $1,000, or $2,000 to continue posturing.

It is a simple, 9 paragraph long rant about Nancy Pelosi and how the democrats would rather go on vacation than vote on this bill blah blah blah. But then at the bottom, underneath the "signatures", there's a post script.

P.S. Alex, Republicans in Congress are staying at their posts to demand a vote on dealing with the high cost of energy. Help us spread the word about the Nancy Pelosi Democrats' who'd rather go on vacation than do their jobs by making a secure online campaign contribution of $2,000, $1,000, $500, $100, $50, or $25 to the RNC's Congressional Trust account today. Thank you.

Ignoring for a moment the errant apostrophe after Democrats, and the amazing coincidence that they called everybody "Alex," isn't it a creative use of post scripts to write a less verbose version of exactly what the letter said? I have never come across that before, but from here on out I'm going to read post scripts first hoping for a crisp summary of the thoughts contained in the above it. It's almost worth me paying $25, $50, $100, $500, $1,000, or $2,000 just to see what else they can teach me about the writing process.

P.S.: For somewhat complicated reasons I am on e-mail lists for every political party in the country. Surprisingly, the GOP sends me the most mail. Every e-mail has an identical form: the party header at the top, a letter listing the reason they want more money with a right-aligned donate button. More buttons at the bottom.

The most recent letter was my favorite so far. It was about the recent shenanigans in congress where the republicans make speeches in the dark. Remember that? The Democrats adjourned and the Republicans refused to? Apparently they need $25, $50, $100, $500, $1,000, or $2,000 to continue posturing.

It is a simple, 9 paragraph long rant about Nancy Pelosi and how the democrats would rather go on vacation than vote on this bill blah blah blah. But then at the bottom, underneath the "signatures", there's a post script.

P.S. Alex, Republicans in Congress are staying at their posts to demand a vote on dealing with the high cost of energy. Help us spread the word about the Nancy Pelosi Democrats' who'd rather go on vacation than do their jobs by making a secure online campaign contribution of $2,000, $1,000, $500, $100, $50, or $25 to the RNC's Congressional Trust account today. Thank you.

Ignoring for a moment the errant apostrophe after Democrats, and the amazing coincidence that they called everybody "Alex," isn't it a creative use of post scripts to write a less verbose version of exactly what the letter said? I have never come across that before, but from here on out I'm going to read post scripts first hoping for a crisp summary of the thoughts contained in the above it. It's almost worth me paying $25, $50, $100, $500, $1,000, or $2,000 just to see what else they can teach me about the writing process.

5 Things That Rule About the New Facebook Design

Monday, August 11 2008, 2:53pm Portland, OR

I think I've spent a bit more time on new.facebook.com than most people, so in anticipation of everybody hating it, I thought I'd let you know why it's grown on me.

It's Wider
Not a revolution on the Internet, but it's nice to be able to have a little more space for my stuff to breathe.

Improved News Feed
I especially like being able to comment on people's status updates in-line in my news feed. That's fun. It saves me the trouble of having to sign up for Twitter.

The New "Add Stuff" Area On Profiles
It's great to be able to write on people's walls at the top of the profile and not have to search out the wall.

AJAX
In case you don't know, that's how they make the magical sliding thing that happens when you write on somebody's wall now. It's so slick. There are more instances of it around the page, but that wall sliding is my favorite.

Applications Have Been Neutered
It's not ideal for me as an application developer, but for everybody else it's amazing. No apps on the main profile page. Thank god. I can't imagine this is a bummer for anybody that isn't RockYou. Also, you don't have to "add" applications any more. You can click on one and not have to sign that creepy/intimidating contract about all the horrible things they're going to send you. You can visit an app and it can't publish anything to your feed without your permission. For the time being, Facebook seems to have gotten rid of all the crappy parts of applications without limiting my ability to play Scrabble (for now).

Bonus!
This doesn't exactly rule, but I like it. You can choose which friends appear in your "friends" box now, just like you can on MySpace. While I don't personally find this to be useful, it's basically going to kill Top Friends which seems like the most noble kind of murder. Similarly, it's easier to post photos and videos to your friends' walls which is starting to steal SuperWall's thunder. As for the best.

New Site!

Saturday, July 26 2008, 10:22am Portland, OR

Hey, everybody.  I'm just about finished with the new site.  This is going to be an uncomfortable mix of everything that I do both personally and professionally.  There will be updates about what I'm doing in the web-design world, notices about shows I'm doing, and links to funny things I am building or have built.  What it won't be is a blog about what I'm eating or who I'm staring at out my window or where I'm going on vacation.  It'll be more of a news source for my projects.  With any luck, it will be useful AND entertaining.  Please keep checking back and subscribe to the RSS feed by clicking the link that says "updates".

Yours capitally,

-Alex